Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
You Might Also Like
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.