Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
You Might Also Like
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend