[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
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I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.