[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
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When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Waiting for the Charmin
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.