Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
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Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Genius idea!!
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.