[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
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at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
only 11 steps left
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?