[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

You Might Also Like


Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day


My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.


I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.


My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?


I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.


Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.


99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.


Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.



Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.