@Springaling85 Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
@LackOfShame [movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
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@Springaling85 
@BradBroaddus My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
@Lil_Baked_Baker I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
@ericsshadow My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
@WheelTod I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
@GymVsTheVolcano Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
@Try2StopME 99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
@LackOfShame Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
@notmythirdrodeo Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
@Annekinns *Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.