[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
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I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
TRAIN’S HERE
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!