[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

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My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.


What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”


Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.


There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE


I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.


Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.


Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you


WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.


When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.