[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
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ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”