[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
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The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
cats when you pet them too long:
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners