[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
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I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn