Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
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I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Just a phase…
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
What flavor cupcake are these
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that