@Fred_Delicious

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

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@UncleDuke1969

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

@LurkAtHomeMom

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

@Jarhead44

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

@mikeleffingwell

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

@dreamthievin

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

@TheAdly

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

@shegotagronk

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

@QwertyJones3

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

@froghammer

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die