@Fred_Delicious

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

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@rynbtmn

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

@envydatropic

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

@Smethanie

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

@PaperWash

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

@aimlessamers

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

@ceejoyner

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

@minkpinkustink

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

@internetluke

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

@Book_Krazy

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”