*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014