Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
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The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Me: Hi, I鈥檇 like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I鈥檝e been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I鈥檝e been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn鈥檛 see that coming
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
He is just living hist best little life 馃槉
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
me: i鈥檓 so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My new favorite headline
Whoa 馃槀
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can鈥檛 scream and yell when I have an injured back!
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we鈥檙e out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn鈥檛 he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Sign at work today