MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
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Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I already tried new things thanks.
This bar smells like my childhood.
i’m sure it’s fine
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*