*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
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Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.