@psybermonkey

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

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@Mom_Overboard

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

@ReallySamEvans

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

@Fuckinmorons

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

@HatfieldAnne

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

@Book_Krazy

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

@FunInternetGuy

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to