Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
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Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.