Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
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What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
For the ones in the back.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Sounds like a bargain
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.