[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
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If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂