Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
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“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.