mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
You Might Also Like
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Bike for sale
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.