@Cheeseboy22

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

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@PinkCamoTO

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

@anbrll00

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

@OneFunnyMummy

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

@RickAaron

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

@ddsmidt

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

@Bob_Heller

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

@RahulReply

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

@Dawn_M_

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.