Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

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Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE


Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.


Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.


My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004


All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.


*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend


Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.


Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo


going to office: late
going to a doctors appointment: late
going to a friends house: late
going to a concert: 8 hours early


If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.