Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
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doing some research
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Autocorrect completely socks
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I feel seen.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.