@chrisdowning

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

@RobinMcCauley

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

@rickkondell

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

@Jake_Vig

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

@TheHatStore

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

@killerdollrik

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

@clichedout

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

@OtherDanOBrien

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir