Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
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A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir