Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
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If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird