Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
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“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
They’re the worst 😩
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda