@david8hughes [god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
@JillianKarger MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
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@david8hughes 
@tastefactory I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
@gogglepossum [me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
@Darlainky At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
@FauxFawx In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
@KimmyMonte Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
@Dawn_M_ If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
@danjan13 No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
@doublewenis *seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
@THEDUTHCHESS Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.