Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
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“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Cake safety first. Always.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Coffee is ready.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.