Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
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if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
🔦🌙👣
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Battery falling down a hole
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Punctuation Matters. Period.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
#ParentingFacts
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?