Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
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Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead