MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
You Might Also Like
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
the official breakfast of 2021
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?