“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
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“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name