Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
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You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?