Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
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I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015