Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
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“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Another interesting #factupdates post!
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I love the National Park Service.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”