MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.