MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
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I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Try and stop me.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
You can’t outrun your problems…
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?