Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
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Baking is just science you can eat.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
this could fix me
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.