Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
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If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂