Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
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Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I would move hell over six inches for you
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Need this in my life lol
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.