much to think about
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Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.