Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.