Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
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deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
(more comics:
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.