Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
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*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.