mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
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[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.