mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
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I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
new record!
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Jail
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
good for her
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.