Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
You Might Also Like
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.