@QwertyJones3

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

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@vangobot

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

@thequeensheart

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

@GrowlyGrego

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

@treydayway

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

@sweetmomissa

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

@tastefactory

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

@piddle_fart

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

@zachcozad1

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade