Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
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Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Big Sex has us all fooled
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
this FaceApp is creepy af
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.