Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
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[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Every time.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄