MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
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The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
#math
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.