Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
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wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?